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I've been in a wonderful, loving, monogamous relationship for 6 years. Just about a month and a half ago my girlfriend began having an affair w/ another man.. I feel totally disrespected only because we had an agreement to be monogamous. I'm definitely not closed minded to having an open relationship and sharing our love w/ others, but that wasn't our arrangement at the time. We are still in love with eachother and she is still seeing this other guy.. She moved out about 3 weeks ago.. I've already started meeting other wonderful women.. I want to continue our relationship without the monogamous commitment, but am having difficulty because of her dishonesty... Can anyone shoot me a few words of wisdom on this one.. Much Love : )
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California
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Re: My Situation
Thu, July 26, 2007 - 3:06 PMYou have a right to feel hurt. Trust is paramount in fluidity, moreso than in monogamous relationships due in no small part to the myriad of ways each of you interacts with potential lovers/partners as a duo or individually.
Is she truly in love with you? Or, is she comfortable with your solidity? You really have to weigh her motives, her actions, and her statements separately and give more or less credence to each facet of her communication(s) with you based on past experience, current levels of comfort, and even what your gut tells you. Six years is a long time. Were you adverse to marriage or more permanent commitment? Did she stray due to inaction? I do not mean to be cruel or dismissive of you or your feelings, but while some might say over-analyzing this is a bad idea, I think looking at your situation from as many vantage points as possible will gird you for whatever decision you need to make.
In the end, she should earn your trust again, or at the very least, earn your faith in her nature to do what is right for the two of you.
Even if that means discontinuing the relationship, or altering it dramatically from how it had been for the previous six years.
I wish you all the best, and hope that you can come to a place that caters to your health and well being. -
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Re: My Situation
Thu, July 26, 2007 - 3:28 PMhonestly, i'm not really sure whether or not she is truely in love with me or not. she claims that she is and that if she were to be serious w/ anyone it would be me.. however, i do not want to get back into a serious relationship w/ her, unless it is open and honest. she definitely is comfortable w/ our solidity, so am i. we both were adverse to marriage, but on and off at different times. there were times when i wanted to be married, times when she wanted to be married, times when we both wanted to married.. it would come and go like the tide. also, we are both adverse to monogamy. i don't think she strayed due to inaction.. she strayed because she couldn't communicate w/ me about her feelings, she didn't trust me and my ability to be understanding. she didn't believe that we could change the dynamic of our relationship.
i thank you for your response... this has been a difficult time in my life, not to be taken for granted by any means. i think it is most important to analyze myself at this time. i can't possibly understand her until she is honest w/ me about where she was, where she is and where she wants to go. so, i'm gonna focus on me for now... there is no doubt in my mind that our relationship will be altered dramatically and possibly even discontinued if she can't communicate openly and honestly with me.. i appreciate your thoughts... -
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Re: My Situation
Thu, July 26, 2007 - 7:31 PMSadly, this is not a unique altercation between lovers/spouses/mates/bf/gfs...
Polonius' "To Thine own self be true," though written by Shakespeare to make fun of hearth wisdom, actually makes sense.
She must be true to herself and in so doing she should be honest and open with you.
Monogamy, being a less desirable outcome for the both of you, is better left alone then.
Good luck!
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Unsu...
Re: My Situation
Fri, July 27, 2007 - 10:27 AMI think this gal, or any partner, needs to regain your own trust %100 before you start really thinking about words like LOVE... at least in terms of the LOVE of a long term relationship.
Trust is hard to earn, and easy to loose.
Did she tell you about the affair on her own accord? Or was it something you discovered?
If she came to you to come clean and attempted to soften the blows to you becasue she loved you, there is probably hope.
\Life is strange and things happen... But if she hasn't made steps to make you really FEEL for her, than you're probably better off learning to stand on your own and seeing what the Universe has in store for you next. -
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Re: My Situation
Mon, August 13, 2007 - 10:24 AMMy opinion is that you're setting yourself up for further disappointment in continuing with this girl, due to her dishonesty.
If you DO continue, do it with the knowledge that she can't necessarily be trusted and be sure that you're ok with that - in other words, you pretty much have to completely forgive her for what's happened and accept what she can give with the knowledge that she may deceive you at some point.
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Unsu...
Re: My Situation
Mon, August 13, 2007 - 9:07 PMWe've all fucked up at one point or another, haven't we? If you were both ambiguous about marriage and monogamy (but tried it anyway), then perhaps a serious check-in is required (both with yourselves, and together) now that the dynamic has changed. Six years is a long time, and maybe it's time to move on, or maybe it's not. Hard to say without that little-to-no pressure chat. Be willing to accept her honesty. Because maybe she's afraid to be honest because of how you'll react. The only way to stop that is to release her from any perceived expectations... and then maybe you'll really-see her. Good luck! -
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Re: My Situation
Sat, August 18, 2007 - 10:29 PMmaybe we all haven't "fucked up" at one point or another in these matters because we were careful and conscientious of our own and our beloveds feelings...maybe the implication associated with the words "fucked up" is a sticking point with those of us that have intentionally engaged sexually/sensually with eyes, hearts, minds and feelings open enough to say and mean that we have chosen and unchosen our experiences.
honesty is key to an openness through which fluidity in relationships can exist. without it one is unable to trust and thus unable to give and receive with a full sense of reciprocity at whatever level one is comfortable. there is always room to begin again between two involved and open people, but where there is dishonesty, there is a lack of trust...which leads to fear and doubt and accompanying disintegration of closeness...
only you can decide what you are willing to involve yourself in and be brave enough to take responsibility for your own limitations and expectations...honesty is two ways, within and without -
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Re: My Situation
Sun, August 19, 2007 - 11:18 PMThanks everybody.. I've enjoyed reading everything all of you have had to say.. I'm totally still shocked by all of the changes that have occurred in my life as of late.. I've tried extremely hard to get HER to be honest with me, but unfortunately, she continues to lie. it looks like it's totally up to me to decide whether or not i can have a relationship with someone i don't trust.. personally, i believe trust is like the foundation of a house. if it's not there or lacking in quality the entire thing will crash down eventually. I keep those that I don't trust at good distance.. rarely do i even do business with people i lack trust for.. it appears like i'm going to have to cut communication with HER for atleast the time being in hopes that time and space will help the healing..
what i hate the most is that her behavior lately has made it very difficult for me to think positive thoughts about our entire history together.. it seems like everything is tainted eventhough i know it isn't.. we had a wonderful relationship up until about three months ago.. i have to get past that and be able to enjoy the memories... it's just difficult to do right now, but someday i think i'll be able to communicate with her again and extract all of the GOOD from our relationship. -
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Re: My Situation
Sun, August 19, 2007 - 11:28 PMPeople who aren't honest have intimacy issues more often than not. By cutting toes for now, you are, I hope, reestablishing what matters most to you: honesty. Perhaps she will see that and understand. Though, it is hard to trust someone who has lied to you before...
I wish you the absolute best of luck!
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