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Hello,
I'm brand new to Tribe as well as the idea of an "open relationship" personally. My lover and I are discussing having an open relationship in the coming year and I'm wondering if there is any experienced people on here that can chat with me about it.
I'm brand new to Tribe as well as the idea of an "open relationship" personally. My lover and I are discussing having an open relationship in the coming year and I'm wondering if there is any experienced people on here that can chat with me about it.
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Mon, January 5, 2009 - 10:28 AMChat away!
And get the book, "The ethical Slut".
Quick note. Poly is tough. Brutally tough at times. It takes personal discipline and radical honesty but the rewards, extremely varied and rich relationships, are worth it.
Oh yes. I am poly. Wife/partner of 37 years. GF of 10 years, leather family with another queer couple for 4 or 5 years and a boyfriend/lover/partner for a year and a half.
Hugs,
Rig Daddy -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Mon, January 5, 2009 - 9:59 PMwhat would you say were the biggest problems youve encounter?
and thanks for answering me -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 12:30 AMPoor communication and lack of honesty (especially with oneself) regarding your true feelings at any given situation. If you won't be honest with yourself, you won't be honest with your partner(s) and it will snowball into big, ugly poly drama. -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 6:22 AMI agree with Julie. Honesty, total honesty, radical honesty, is the toughest problem.
And the ability to ASK for what you want.
Hugs,
Rig Daddy -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 10:46 AMmy situation is maybe a little different.
were totally ok with honesty.
but my lover is about to be sent to the middle east for a year so we decided to try and have an open relationship while he is away and then end it when he comes home.
thoughts? -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 11:02 AMit's probably quite realistic to remain "open" during a year's separation......but just as realistically, many things can change during that time, and to assume you will re-bond and end any intervening relationships may not be.
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 8:40 PMYou know, it's slim pickin's in the middle east. Is he really going to be OK with you playing around until he comes back? Imagine you're trapped in a tent with 110 degree heat and a blow drier in your face (How Iraq was described to me) with a bunch of annoying men.....
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Fri, January 9, 2009 - 11:05 PM>>my lover is about to be sent to the middle east for a year so we decided to try and have an open relationship while he is away and then end it when he comes home.
thoughts<<
My thoughts is that it might not be fair to include someone in a poly relationship with an expiration date attached. If you share a loving relationship with someone new will he or she be willing to end it when your current love comes back with no questions asked? If you really find yourself drawn to being poly why would that change when your lover gets back from the middle east? -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Sat, January 10, 2009 - 9:29 AMI agree. Here's a question. What would happen if you have something planned with your "temporary friend" if your lover suddenly get home leave?
Cancel date to see returned lover
Tell returned lover he has to wait
Have both returned lover and local lover together
Hugs,
RD
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Mon, January 12, 2009 - 7:54 AM"My thoughts is that it might not be fair to include someone in a poly relationship with an expiration date attached."
If you're open about it and the person in question agrees then it's perfectly fair.
There are things to be aware of, like the potential for attachment or that you may change how you view relationships in the meantime but so long as you are aware of these potential sticking points, are clear about what you want, what you can give and what the future will bring then I don't see it being a "bad thing".
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 11:00 AM"asking for what you want" - it's amazing how hard that can be, truly.
i think poly is really only functionally healthy when all the people involved are really functionally healthy - good boundaries, good communication skills, genuine integrity.
come to think of it, genuine interpersonal LOVE is only really possible with these elements.....our romantic, social mores often bear no relationship to love. -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 1:26 PMWell, yeah, and everyone involved has to have buy in to this type of lifestyle.
A friend said this in his blog the other day, and I thought it was so important and relevant.. not just to being poly, but to life in general:
"I know now that it's possible to love and give yourself to someone completely, while still being able to give the same to others, to allow them to accept love from others, as well as accepting love from others, yourself. That the love given to one does not have to take away from the love given to another."
and this may also be helpful: www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm
Just some forewarning... be open because it's what is right for you, not because you or your partner sees a void they can't fill (ie being shipped out for a year) because if you go into it for the wrong reasons, it'll come back to haunt.
Not to be a doomsayer. I promise! There is such an amazing wealth of love and possibility open to you when you open yourself to love. It's just not an easy path. Best of luck to you.
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 1:27 PMWell, yeah, and everyone involved has to have buy in to this type of lifestyle.
A friend said this in his blog the other day, and I thought it was so important and relevant.. not just to being poly, but to life in general:
"I know now that it's possible to love and give yourself to someone completely, while still being able to give the same to others, to allow them to accept love from others, as well as accepting love from others, yourself. That the love given to one does not have to take away from the love given to another."
and this may also be helpful: www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm
Just some forewarning... be open because it's what is right for you, not because you or your partner sees a void they can't fill (ie being shipped out for a year) because if you go into it for the wrong reasons, it'll come back to haunt.
Not to be a doomsayer. I promise! There is such an amazing wealth of love and possibility open to you when you open yourself to love. It's just not an easy path. Best of luck to you.
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 1:28 PMWell, yeah, and everyone involved has to have buy in to this type of lifestyle.
A friend said this in his blog the other day, and I thought it was so important and relevant.. not just to being poly, but to life in general:
"I know now that it's possible to love and give yourself to someone completely, while still being able to give the same to others, to allow them to accept love from others, as well as accepting love from others, yourself. That the love given to one does not have to take away from the love given to another."
and this may also be helpful: www.ejhs.org/volume6/polyamory.htm
Just some forewarning... be open because it's what is right for you, not because you or your partner sees a void they can't fill (ie being shipped out for a year) because if you go into it for the wrong reasons, it'll come back to haunt.
Not to be a doomsayer. I promise! There is such an amazing wealth of love and possibility open to you when you open yourself to love. It's just not an easy path. Best of luck to you. -
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 10:01 PMDagnabbit. Tribe was having issues earlier. Fuzzy P, can you mebbe delete these extras?
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Tue, January 6, 2009 - 10:27 PMFirst off , thank you all so much for being so forth coming with your thoughts i really do appreciate it.
And no offense is taking to anything you all are telling me. i assure you I've already been thinking about and discussing with my love.
We are both very mature and have lived lives beyond what is expected of a couple kids in our 20's. He was previously married with a young child and ive been engaged and in long term relationships a few times. We both also have experienced what its like to be in a military situation with one person leaving and the other staying behind. sadly we both have also been burned by the situation and realize how often relationships that have to endure military leave dont last due to absence and dishonesty.
we have started talking about having an open relationship with set boundaries and rules and an emotional "safety word" if either of us is no longer comfortable with situation.
ive always been curious about open relationships and experienced a very nonfunctional one first hand that put me off from them. but i really do believe that you can love multiple people at once. and that adults can pursue relationships outside of monogamy. i mean. don't we already do that with our friends?
but yes the idea of him going away and coming home to a different situation does scare me. so for now we are talking about things. he doesn't leave till march so i'll have a while to investigate
what are some rules that some of you use in your poly relations? or ones you know of?
other then the golden rule.. -
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This is the maximum depth. Additional responses will not be threaded.
Re: New to the Poly theory
Thu, January 8, 2009 - 12:14 PM"The Ethical Slut" provides a list of points that people sometimes put into their relationship agreements. It is worth taking a look at. The whole book is worth reading even if identifying as "slut" is challenging for you. The relationship advice is all good.
Note: I didn't say "rules" above. They are agreements that have to be worked out. A lot of that work has to come from within. Why do you need that particular point covered? Is it to protect your fear? Your ego? Is it something you just can't get beyond?
I went down the rule path when I first got involved in poly. New rules popped up on a daily basis which led to a considerable amount of insanity and a lot of heartache.
IMHO, I think you have to start with, "There are no rules". Now, what do we really NEED? We need to make sure we're physically safe -- disease, pregnancy, and other personal harm must be considered. Beyond that, keep your rules to a minimum.
Setting an expiry date on the other relationship doesn't feel comfy to me. It feels like it devalues the 3rd person a bit. And it isn't honouring your own emotional potential. It might be a good discussion to figure out what to do if you can't let go so easily.
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Re: New to the Poly theory--- Rules vs. Agreements!
Thu, January 8, 2009 - 1:07 PMSO totally true!
Rules should be only about real safety!
Agreements are what protect your heart.
Agreements are made to be kept.
Agreements MUST be heartfelt!
One of the greatest problems I've seen within poly is the inability to make agreements that are real. Agreeing to something you can't actually do is one of the biggest most damaging ways of being dishonest!
Agreements must be able to change and you might want to actually design a reassessment into the agreement. This tribe is the "fluid relationships" tribe. We KNOW things are fluid, we know things change. You must be able to keep the agreements up to date.
Another point about agreements:
What is good for the goose does not mean shit for the gander!
We are all different! You may need protection for your self in ways that your partner doesn't and they may need other areas protected that you don't.
Hugs,
Rig Daddy
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Re: New to the Poly theory
Thu, January 8, 2009 - 1:11 PMI have to jump in here and interrupt myself ;-)
It isn't so much "there are no rules" as the primary rule is "there are no rules". Does that make sense? Making an effort to not impose rules on loved ones is a good place to start. Let go of the illusion of control. Then you can start talking about the practical issues of safety and such.
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