Interesting thought .... Ever since I separated from my husband, more than four years ago, I've been in a process of re-assessing my thought patterns and habits, looking deeper into my own behavior than I did before. Not just through joining groups like CODA and through therapy, but through writing, journaling, and talking to other people I meant who as relative strangers often saw things I was too close to see. Perspective is an amazing thing. Unlike many divorced people, I don't feel the need to waste energy hating my ex-husband, in fact I have an unconditional love for him and want him to be as happy as he can be. I only needed to hate and be angry to re-claim my power -- now that he is not in my life, he is no longer a "threat", and I don't need to deliberately attract people into my life that connect back to those issues anymore. There is a certain pattern that comes with long-term emotional abuse -- I had to recognize that pattern, recognize the way it made me feel and bring it all back to myself, not projecting it on my ex or his shadow as some kind of boogey-man. It's amazing how much of my life changed when I realized that I had that kind of control -- that I didn't have to flinch at shadows anymore.

Because I've considered myself out of the "norm", but I've also come from a place where I've started to look at the beliefs that led to certain emotions that led to certain behavioral triggers (I do find cognitive psychology enormously helpful for this) I've also been question what those "norms" really are -- am I trying to define myself by what I was not, or by who I am? Sexuality and relationships are areas where people have a strong belief about what they believe to be "normal" or "healthy" -- and those beliefs can vary strongly among individuals. (I've had die-hard polyamorists tell me that I am deceiving my boyfriend in some way because I went to a poly meet-up at a diner and didn't bring him. I don't see anything deceptive in that because I feel that polyamory is a part of my history but it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with my behavior now -- it's something I believe in even if I'm not practicing it actively.) I've also realized that for some people serial monogamy is just a "given", that it is not a special sign of any significant commitment, even though I personally know I would not be monogamous without feeling "committed" to that person.

It's like we are all using the same words, but speaking a totally different language. That is what facinates me and frustrates me. That is what stimulates thought and conversation. But I believe that this questioning is all part of the journey towards having healthy relationships that allow for growth and authenticity of all parties involved - that are not two-halves-made-whole, but whole people sharing their lives and their energy and their stories with each other.....