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lol... i was telling my friend after my recent four year break up...man i dont want to be polyamorous i just want to be amorous. i figured out a long time ago that everything is love... and that i love it all... and every one... i just have to choose to express that via unique relationship dynamics with each and every person and thing...
being just out of a long term... my goal right now is not to be in one for a long time... im done with that for a while... it wouldnt be healthy for me to get into one for a while either... so ive been really pondering relationship dynamics...
one thing that presented itself in my thinking is that relationship dynamics present themselves to you all the time and depending on how honest you are to your self about what your authentic needs are, and how much you can honestly communicate those needs to another and how well you can sense the needs of another helps to define the types of relationship dynamic you can have with another... the one thing that gets in the way of having a dynamic fluid flow in your relationships seems to be not being honest about and communicating your authentic needs. holding on to what you want so bad you fail to see whats been put infront of you...
being just out of a long term... my goal right now is not to be in one for a long time... im done with that for a while... it wouldnt be healthy for me to get into one for a while either... so ive been really pondering relationship dynamics...
one thing that presented itself in my thinking is that relationship dynamics present themselves to you all the time and depending on how honest you are to your self about what your authentic needs are, and how much you can honestly communicate those needs to another and how well you can sense the needs of another helps to define the types of relationship dynamic you can have with another... the one thing that gets in the way of having a dynamic fluid flow in your relationships seems to be not being honest about and communicating your authentic needs. holding on to what you want so bad you fail to see whats been put infront of you...
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Thu, November 15, 2007 - 8:42 PMI agree...honesty with yourself is paramount. Then of course with others. I myself have always had the ability to "love" more than one person at a time. But I've always been monogamous. Recently I have met someone who is poly and since I'm so use to the way I've always been there is fear but I'm gonna see where it goes. Now I'm not unfamiliar with the poly-amorous life style many of my friends are. I have to admit that I've judged the lifestyle over the years but as they say "If you judge it you become it." I have found that to be true for me over time. Besides I don't ever do things the easy way. So what I' m trying to say is that I'm glad to see that others go through what I do and I just really felt compelled to respond. So...............
Thank you hope all goes well for you in your journey
Jen -
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Fri, November 16, 2007 - 1:33 PM<But I've always been monogamous. Recently I have met someone who is poly and since I'm so use to the way I've always been there is fear but I'm gonna see where it goes.>
I never judged the lifestyle. Just never thought it was for me. Thought of an open relationship scared me to death. Then I met a man I really fell for, and, after that, I've decided there's room at least for two important people in my life and possibly more.
Good luck in seeing where this takes you. I've found it to be a truly enriching and illuminating journey. It's one thing for me to share myself with others, and quite another to let go and let others share themselves with others. But my SO keeps coming back to me, so I must be doing something right. And I never, ever, ever worry about my husband. He's just about loyalty personified. -
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Unsu...
Re: just amorous not poly...
Fri, November 16, 2007 - 2:35 PMlike i mentioned ive stopped trying to want just one "kind" of relationship and now i am just trying to love and be present with the relationship dynamics that present themselves... i think we can sabotage a fairly beautifully life by trying to force things to be something they are not and by refusing people that present themselves to us that can be perhaps temporary yet mutually beneficial relationships...
the goal i am working to express here is to just love wisely and not to let any thing get in the way of that love...
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Thu, November 15, 2007 - 11:19 PMwow. that is what I've been trying to comm. with many lovers for years. most are out of my life now... and haven't mustered it.
many thanks for the insight.
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Thu, November 22, 2007 - 9:24 PMbear in mind, you live in a society where almost all "relationship" dynamics are dysfunctional and have more to do with power and control than they do with love.
Personally, I will never be in a "relationship" (as defined by this society) again for the rest of my life. It is a sick choice. I am very happy having close friends as my "relationships."
To quote Deepak Chopra from his book "The Path To Love", "we often treat our friends with more unconditional love than our so-called lovers."
Smart guy. -
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Unsu...
Re: just amorous not poly...
Fri, November 23, 2007 - 3:04 AMall in the eye of the beholder me thinks...
it sounds like your motivation is compeled by pain instead of by love.. but then again there is an interesting dynamic there!
i remember reading something by trungpa... where he said that a warrior cannot make a good cup of tea unless he/she holds the pain of samsara in his/her heart while at the same time the glory of the great eastern sun ( the rising sun)... to me this was a discreiption of love.. a perfect combination of joy and pain...
so to my dysfunction is a part of it all and i dont resent it one bit... -
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Fri, November 23, 2007 - 2:11 PM"it sounds like your motivation is compeled by pain instead of by love."
Definitely not. I just won't participate in anything that is NOT love. Many people think that pain, strife, disagreement, etc. are all a normal part of a "loving" relationship. I disagree - I think those are parts of attempts to control another human being, which I won't participate in in any way.
This sounds to me a lot like the old logic that parents used to use of "oh, I hit my child because I 'love' them." That's justification bullshit. Pain and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other. -
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Unsu...
Re: just amorous not poly...
Fri, November 23, 2007 - 2:17 PM"Pain and love have absolutely nothing to do with each other."
oh really?
lol -
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Sun, November 25, 2007 - 5:04 PM"oh really?
lol"
Your opinion and the opinion of many others. Good luck with that.
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Sun, November 25, 2007 - 5:05 PMWhen you are experiencing pain, you've left the dynamic of love and have moved on to the dynamic of control, manipulation, fear, etc. But it ain't love anymore. -
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Unsu...
Re: just amorous not poly...
Sun, November 25, 2007 - 6:08 PMphilosphicaly speaking... i dont see anything independant of anything else... especially love...
to me theres not one things that isnt love... and i allways say dont limit how love can manifest itself...
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Sun, November 25, 2007 - 8:58 PM< When you are experiencing pain, you've left the dynamic of love and have moved on to the dynamic of control, manipulation, fear, etc. But it ain't love anymore.>
That sounds like compartmentalizing to me. For instance, I can love someone and be angry with them at the same time. Anger doesn't displace love, not even in the heat of the moment. Nothing wrong with pain and uncertainty as long as they're temporary. To me, it's just part of the ebb and flow of love and intimacy. Closeness goes and and out just like the tide. And I think it's healthier that way. -
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Sun, December 16, 2007 - 5:00 PM"For instance, I can love someone and be angry with them at the same time. Anger doesn't displace love"
I'm not saying that it does. I'm just saying to call an apple an apple, and an orange and orange. You can hold an apple in one hand, and an orange in another hand, and have both at the same time, but they will NEVER be the same item. When you are angry, that is anger. When you are loving, that is love. All I'm saying is don't be jealous, possessive, controlling, and angry and call all of those things "love" - they are totally different things. Consider love and apple, and jealousy an orange, and control a tangerine, and possessiveness a plum, and anger a watermelon. You can hold them all at the same time, but the will never be a part of each other.
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Sat, November 24, 2007 - 8:58 PMhi, i just joined this tribe, and am enjoying reading everyone's posts. i too just ended a long term relationship and am pondering relationship dynamics. apparently my concept of an "open" relationship was very different from my partner's idea, but it took a long painful time for us to discover that our differences were not compatible. my past experiences were with couples where everything was up front, and everyone knew each other. my partner's style was to keep everyone separate, so when i wanted to meet someone, that was not an option. while i respect that was his perrogative, i felt "left out" of the equation, and eventually began questioning my ability to be polyamorous. so i liked your title: just amorous, not poly. deep inside i still believe that i am, however it would mean have a partner(s) whose relationship style is more open. has anyone else out there had this experience? were you able to work it out, or did it end? thoughts? -
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Unsu...
Re: just amorous not poly...
Sun, November 25, 2007 - 2:19 AMwell the title of this post is amorous not poly...
so i would look at it from the point of view of love....
lots of what goes on in polyamory seems to me to be focused control ie boundary creating... there for the relationship dynamic is not based on loving... but desire coupled by rules... its a system for desire to regulate itself in relationship so to speak... if you follow me...
but love doesnt respect boundires... as many of us have experienced... yet at the same time love has total respect for boundaries... amour is so very paradoxical in that regard... it takes alot of open communication... and being receptive and responsive to your needs and the needs of others... even if the communication is not clear... if one dedicates ones self to the process and doesnt resent what occurs but sees it as something that can be worked with constructively for the need fulfillment of all parties involved... really great things i think can happen...
but it takes those things...
dedication to communication
self reflection off ones authentic needs
receptivity and responsiveness to ones needs and the needs of the "other"
and honesty...
that last one is the trick... because so many people will revert to a controlling manipulative stance to get thier disgenuine needs fullfilled that they will for sake the needs of the other for thier own needs... and live in denile that that was the dynamic.... creating resentment to the process of exploring how intimate relationships emerge and develop and at some point dissipate...
neat stuff to think about relationship dynamics...
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Mon, November 26, 2007 - 11:32 AMthank you for your valuable insights.
actually, poly was a word my partner introduced me to, and i remember struggling with it. sounded too "forced' for me, and i couldn't understand the concepts. after reading your response, now i know why. my previous open relationships were with other married couples, and there were no rules or labeling; things just happened in their own due course or not.
and i agree with you regarding:
"but it takes those things...
dedication to communication
self reflection off ones authentic needs
receptivity and responsiveness to ones needs and the needs of the "other"
and honesty..."
the truth is that although we communicated very well in the beginning, there was no actual commitment to it on my partner's part. i think he wanted to, but didn't know how and was scared. so instead, he simply shut down. he also began lying to me, so the trust was gone. very sad. i still care for him deeply, and wish him well.
again, thank you for your time in writing back. it really helped clarify things for me. i now know i am not poly. ha, ha, one more small step towards self-awareness and enlightenment. ;) -
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Re: just amorous not poly...
Mon, November 26, 2007 - 3:11 PM>>. i now know i am not poly<<
How do you know this? From your post I think all that could be deduced is you know your partner isn't poly.
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Unsu...
Re: just amorous not poly...
Mon, November 26, 2007 - 3:17 PMi wrote this in my blog last year...
Just the other day i was blessed with an epiphany. I had solved a riddle that i had been working on for years. Trungpa one of my favorite teachers of crazy wisdom had mentioned this slogan of the shambala warrior years and years ago in one of his books. It goes something like this...
" The warrior must hold in his heart the glory of the great eastern sun [ or joy] and at the same time the sadness of samsara. Then and only then can the warrior make a great cup of tea."
i had though for such a long time that i knew what that felt like to hold both saddness and joy in my heart at the same time. But though i could understand it conceptualy i really didnt have the feel for it yet. i was allways second guessing my self. am i doing it now? is this what he ment. For some reason i instinctivly knew i had it... it would not be crazy wisdom if i didnt... and he was a pro at crazy wisdom...
so finally after a few days of emotional duress and surrender to this duress the mystical moment did not come form meditation of any sort just going through my day... and it hit me! like a dorje to the skull...
well what is it like to feel joy and pain in my heart. what woudl that really feel like?
LOVE.
pure and simple.
if you have love in your heart you can make a good cup of tea. if your feeling love in your heart your feeling both the pain of the realm of suffering and the joy of the great eastern sun. you can feel joy in your heart but joy is not love. you can feel painin your heart but pain is not love. if you feel both in your heart, if you feel all that is in your heart your feeling love. if your feeling oneness thats love. if your feeling love your feeling one with all that is.
so if your makeing a cup of tea or saying something to some one or just walking down the street do so like a warrior do it with the feeling of love in your chest.
the irony of this was that i was feeling this during a disagreement with my signifigant other at the time... i felt the pain and the joy of just being in love and it hit me right then and there...
make your tea with love in your heart...
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