Yes it can be a problem. I would say make sure that you have two loves and then it will be less of a problem for you and you will then understand the dynamic a bit more.

G

after 8 years of monogamy i asked my husband to open our marriage.
i was definitely in a clearing - completely open to any possibility at that point.
i never heard the word polyamory. i had no idea people actually did this.
i was scared to death to ask my husband.
but i couldn't stop thinking about it. and that made me miserable and unable to be fully present with my husband.
it wasn't until after we started seeing other people that i had to learn to recognize jealousy.
once i was able to recognize it i was able to choose what to do about it instead of reacting to it.
i try very hard to choose open and kind communication in those moments. (it doesn't alway work out that way tho:))
in that way i am able to alert my husband to my feelings and ask for some reassurrance or identify what triggered the jealousy.

do some reading, in the threads in this tribe and that of the polyamory tribe.
try reading some of the great resources out there on the subject, like the ethical slut.
what it alsways comes down to is communication.
without a doubt. :)

wow- thanks 4 having the conversation.

what a beautiful example of self-healing. u r your greatest GurU.

1. "MY problem is that I am FAR too jealous"
- i don't think it's a "problem", but it sounds like you're willing 2 confront/ explore a part of your self. - bad ass-

2. "My jalousy stems from feeling like there would be nothing 'special' about me and also fear of losing my partner,"
- "jalousy" ...call it "knit"picking (which is an equally interesting word), but the spelling is interesting, perhaps suggesting that it is like being in ja(i)l . then you were doubly badass and defined jealousy 4 yourself- "feeling like there would b nothing special about me," while deeper lies the "fear of losing my partner". start with "nothing special about me"- cause i extremely doubt that, and this is the first interaction we r sharing... but the question is: why would U chose 2 think there is nothing special about you? and what do you make it mean if you can't fill the shoes of "something special"- what do you make that MEAN? perhaps this leads 2 a be-life system that: if u r special then... your partner won't leave you. (these r intuitive responses and NOT of any negative or harmful intent). you have as many loving and present partners you as you wish 2 have.

3. "Its frustrating to want something and be the one stopping yourself from achieving it at the same time."
- hell yeah. oh, i mean heaven yeah (just so happens it's far more Blissful there)- i usually say it as "you're the only thing getting in your way." but i like the way you wrote it- especially with the "Its frustrating to want something and be..." the highlights here are "Frustrating to Want"- this is a bit knitpicky as well, and... it's word Magic- 'to want' IS its own experience, and quite different from 'to have' ... and Yes that is frustrating.

all reflections aside-
what's your curiousity or interest? - do you see/ find other people you would like to be sexual/ sensual with when you are in a relationship? are u always with a partner? r u love sharing (having loving casual sex) when u r single, or do you wait 2 meet 1 person, or is it just one time, or ....?

there r as many styles of relationships as there are people-
fuck everyone else- what works 4 u,... in a healthy and beneficial way?

i have shared many types of relationships, and most of the time there were not many around that knew something this new lifestyle/ way of relating. it was a bit scary at times to do new things- a lot of internal exploration, a lot of be-life systems review, a lot of emotions, a lot of triumphs, a lot of mistakes, a lot of... Love


gratitude 4 your openness and sharing-

Tasi

i find that however i create my relationship with myself is how my relationships with others are co-created.

The first step for myself (in poly) was gaining some self confidence. Without any self confidence I just don't see it likely that you'll have the fortitude to withstand the jealousies that tend to rear their ugly head.

And you will feel jealous, you'll have some shiatty day when your partner has a date and you'll feel all alone and like no one cares what so ever.

But that's just not true and you need to accept that and I find it best to accept that BEFORE you have that shiatty day without support from a partner.

So, in other words, yes, I started thinking about poly long before I was confident enough to engage in poly. (or rather, long before I felt I was confident enough, since I didn't actually engage in poly at that point I can't really say if it would have worked or not *g*)

I think that jealousy is something that all of us experience. It is recognizing this, and dealing with its root before responding, that is the goal.

This is my opinion - the opinion of somebody who, as a teenager, was extremely jealous, and now has no feelings of jealousy ever.
Here are two things I would suggest to get you in a direction that can work:

1) Jealousy is almost directly related to your sense of self worth. If you want to become less jealous, work on yourself and understanding how great you are all by yourself without anybody else's approval or presence in your life. Then anything somebody else does in their life in no way effects how you feel about yourself or them. Also, wanting to feel "special" is a way of getting outside approval and recognition for your worth because you don't yet understand you are 100% worthy regardless of what anybody thinks, says or does.

2) Regarding your fear of losing your partner, here's the issue: yes, you can ALWAYS "lose" your partner. And no false sense of security or jealousy is going to stop it. If someone wants to leave, they will leave (be it emotionally or physically or both) - you can't stop it, so why try? And anyway, if somebody you cared about really wanted to leave, if you really cared about them why would you try to stop them? So, gain the understanding and accept that you can "lose" your partner at any point in time and there is nothing you can ever do to stop that possiblity - so let it go and enjoy the time you are with them instead of constantly focusing on the possiblity of them not being there. (a side note: you cannot "lose" something until you first believe you posess it. And you can never posess another person - unless of course you believe in slavery).

"For what it's worth, I think there is "human nature", and there are absolutely things that all humans share, such as:"
* langauge skills
* 5 senses: visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, gustatory
* sense of time: past vs future
* ability to use imagination
* emotions: anger, fear, sadness, joy, etc."

No, these are not human "nature", these are human tools that we are given to use as we choose. And many of them, the senses in particular, are not given to all people.

Emotions, too, are simply tools. They hold no meaning by themselves. The word "fear" alone means absolutely nothing - until you put something after it, say "fear OF SPIDERS" - now fear has a meaning. But that meaning was assigned by a choice someone made. The choice to be afraid of spiders. Not all people are afraid of spiders. So this is not human nature, this is human choice.

Just like a hammer or screwdriver, which mean nothing until you pick them up and use them. Emotions are tools, which mean absolutely nothing until a person makes a choice to use them in one fashion or another. And, as with a hammer or screwdriver, you can also choose NEVER to use them.

Is this easy? Certainly not. But I'm just pointing out that how we react to situations, relationships, other people, etc is human choice - not human nature. If it were human naure, it would be consistent across all humans. The tools are generally consistent, but the use of them is not.

this thread ROCKS!!! ... thanks for reviving it since I didn't troll down that far or otherwise didn't find it. Have book-marked it for future reference!

I, too, am fairly low down on the scale of experiencing jealousy as an emotion, and have a wicked hard time dealing with jealous people (while simultaneously tending to attract them!). These posts have provided sage advice that are worthy of passing on, if ever the situation calls for it!

I am not naturally a jealous person. But over the years I gained weight, and, truthfully, even when I weighed only 115, I never had that much confidence in my sexual appeal. When my brand new husband wanted an open relationship, I put the brakes on it. And thankfully he respected that. A number of years later, I fell really hard for a man who was both married and poly. I spoke to my husband about it, and he encouraged me to pursue the relationship. My lover is an extrovert and quite a flirt. So even as I embarked on a r elationship with him, I was always sure he'd lose interest in me for someone younger and sexier. He did meet someone younger and sexier. I knew he wasn't going to leave his wife, but I thought perhaps he might drop me. I was wrong. He didn't. But my doubts of being special to him and appealing to him nagged me right out of a relationship. He got to a point where he didn't want to continue to assure me. That hurt but it also caused me to take a good, hard look at myself. Meanwhile, he and I remained cordial. We chatted less, and, actually, I felt relieved by that 'cause I never had intended to chat that often anyway. Much as I enjoyed his companionship, the chatting was a time and energy suck. Then I started to remember and focus on what had made our relationship joyful. And because he was always open to friendly and even affectionate interactions, we did manage to come back together as lovers. I stopped worrying about who else he had in his life and how old they were, etc. And no doubt he's appreciative of my new found security. I had to find that for myself. Instead of trying to prove my value to him, I started to prove my value to myself. I also worked on anger issues. And now when I see him, I don't waste energy on wondering who else is around. What matters is being present to one another in the time we have. I was just teasing him that his breaking up with me was the best thing that ever happened to me. There's a grain of truth to that. What I learned is, when I am with him, there is no THEM. Just US. Time is too precious. And now I am much more at ease. Hard to overcome these fears, but well worth it.

Wow. I understand the fear of losing a partner. Me and my current partner are thinking of embarking on inviting folks into our intimate space. We are trying to define it. I don't have a problem with jealousy, I have a problem worrying that I'm going to dissapoint or hurt others. I want everyone to be on the same page and the and the fact I can't grasp the outcome in my hands is freaky. I'm totally comfortable having an open poly-type relationship, in fact it's my ideal, but actually practicing it will be a challenge.

I just came to a catharsis about my bride a little while back. She and I were, are, and will be. We will always be the primary of the other, no matter who else comes and goes. She wishes me to have love and lust, and although I used to be jealous (Hard wired male macho bullshit I suspect), I must admit that whenever she has a "crush" (and whether or not it is acted upon), I reap the benefits back home.

Really, polyamory exists best when there is total trust and total freedom. Both are hard for most people to do because we all try to be sensitive and caring of others' feelings, but remain selfish at our cores (I find this to be a genetic "self-preservation" instinct). I can kind of see it like this:

A feral cat or wild animal would never display its belly to a human, but a domesticated cat/pet does all the time. There is trust, there is the "I am fed/loved/cared for" thing, and there is the sense of being part of a family. Once you can display your belly in a relationship, I think that is when the fun really begins.

However, every so often someone gets disemboweled by a bad relationship. Did you get hurt because you trusted too quickly, or to someone not worthy of trust? Therein lies the (belly) rub...

On being less jealous:

I see everyone else as a part of myself. If another woman experiences pleasure with my partner, I get to partake in that pleasure too. I enjoy knowing that he is experiencing excitement /pleasure/joy with another being that is a part of the whole that I am. If that makes sense. For me its about knowing that I am no less or no better than someone else. I am them on a very deep level and they are me.

I understand what you're saying about this, and might suggest a book to you: "Your Sacred Self" by Dr. Wayne Dyer. There's a whole section in there that you might not like at first which basically suggests to remove the need to be special from your life because it is based in insecure thoughts and not the knowledge that all people are equal creations of the universe. Personally for me, knowing that I am a unique and great person just by the fact that the universe chose to put me here, has made the desire for any other person to see me as "special" insignificant.

There are many ideas that work for some and not for others, i think the poly lifestyle is one of those ideas. The truth is I am like you. i like the idea as well but i have had a load of questions. Better to explore now , weigh the pros and cons and my own feelings than tears and even a disaster later.
Getting to root of why you like the concept might be a good place to start.

Greetings Michelle,
I'm in a tri-union with two women ("two V's and a P" *smile*) and we've dealt with these feelings of losing "specialness" due to attention given to another.

What we've "sourced" is that it stems from a fundamental unconsciousness that is rampant in our culture. We're taught that value and love come from others TO us -and to feel "special" we need someone else to hold us that way -"bringing" love or value to our self. Our culture supports, through commercialism, the idea that beauty, love, and eros, are evaluated-judged by those other than us and bestowed upon a "special" few deemed deserving of such (top fashion models, actors/actresses, politicians, etc.).

Especially with "love" is there a challenge. Our dominant patriarchal culture pushes monogamy with a moral fervor and attempts to set up structures for "appropriate" love relationships.

Rather, what rings true to me is that each individual carries his/her own: love, eros, and beauty -no one bestows or gives or qualifies you to have or express these. Any engagement with another is an opportunity for love, eros, or beauty, to be present and experienced together -each bringing their own unique expression of this with them. When we stop getting our value from others and become the "source of our own satisfaction" there is a tremendous reclaiming of personal power, autonomy, and self-esteem.

How this shows up in relationship is when one of your beloveds is loving with another -or you see your beloved responding to another's embrace, eros, or loving. The old paradigm reaction is Ego-centric and says: "What am I losing by this happening?" "If he/she is feeling this from another than what does that mean for our love?" "I must not be special to him/her if he/she feels this way with another."

The new paradigm thinking (coming from a place of self confidence and value) is something like this: "Wow, look at how much love my beloved expresses." "I am so happy to be love, in the space of love, with him/her and his/her love." "His/her loving another does not diminish our love but adds to our love because love cannot take away -it can only expand." What seems to "take-away" is our ego reacting in fear and contracting.

Seeing your beloved in ecstasy or being loving to another and feeling joy for their happiness and loving expression is called: "compersion".

The unconscious, egoic, fear is really about access, attention, and time together. And these aspects can be respectfully and considerately looked at as a desire for expanded love arises. We've chosen to approach this issue consciously, considering our life circumstances and what we honestly desire (honesty -being able to look at yourself and authentically know your Soul Desire, not Ego desires is a very important ability in the arena of multiple loves). When resting in the new paradigm consciousness of love one realizes it supports loving relationships for everybody -including ourself- and the individual is not diminished in love by expanded loving.

Alorah and I live together and have a connection we deem as "life-partners". Our third is a younger woman who has her own home and life, who integrates well with us, engaging frequently during the week while maintaining her own sovereignty and autonomy. We three are deeply in-the-space-of-love (as apposed to the common unconscious "in-love") and expect to always be so, AND we realize that our third will likely meet her own primary love someday and go off in that direction, eventually welcoming a third into her pair for a time as we have done. We see this pattern as a new possibility for many who are ready for it -and in so doing expand in love, entrain others into expanded loving, and providing a safe, nurturing, love relationship to be engendered to and entrained with.

Alorah and I are "middle-aged" and have found the process of integrating and relating to be both stimulating and challenging -you have to "leave your Ego at the door" to make it work. And if you can do that, then there is a great opportunity to experience more love and eros together. This model also provides the stability of an older couple for the younger person to "entrain" with and after whatever length of time feels organically natural then expand and repeat the cycle for the benefit of more beloveds. This also addresses the misguided cultural assertion that beloveds must stay together for life. Let go of "happily -Ever After" like in the fairy tale stories and realize that LOVE is happily "Ever-IS" -as in love is always present, it is our natural state and the underlying force of the universe. We can enter this love space, bringing our expression of love -and meet others there (for any length of time "short" or "long").

Love and Light,
Sunyata


www.mythiclove.net/sunyata