POLYAMORY & AHIMSA: Talk with Lovers' Lovers by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D.

Do you always, before you connect with someone with whom you're attracted, talk with that person's lovers?

I attended the Network for a New Culture's two week August
community meeting in the mountains of Oregon and found myself in the middle of an earnest debate that, bottom line, concerned alternate ways of connecting with new lovers.

Model 1: RESPECT EXISTING RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE YOU CONNECT

On one side of the debate, my wife Janet and I advocate complete
candor with the significant others of our would-be-lovers–before we
connect sexually with these prospects. Before we even tell anyone
either of us is attracted to someone, Janet and I speak privately
about whether to communicate our attraction to the objects of desire
one or both of us has. If both Janet and I agree to go ahead, we ask
the person(s) if they're interested in getting to know and perhaps
become friends and then lovers with us.

If our prospective lovers say, "Yes, let's explore going deeper with
each other," we ask to speak with each of their significant others
before we and the prospectives engage sexually. If, when we
communicate with our prospective lovers' lovers, these significant
others say. Okay," we proceed to get to know each other with the
intention of assessing whether to become more intimate.

If the significant others of our prospective lovers say, "Wait till
we too get to know you and Janet," we honor this. If they
say, "Wonderful, we fully support you connecting." we proceed to
develop the friendship that can lead to poly loving.

If, however, the significant others of our prospective lovers
indicate that it would create distress for them which they wish to
avoid, we keep our relating to the would-be-prospectives on the level
of friendship and share no sexuality. We choose to create no pain
for others; it hurts us to distress others, so we refrain from sex
with their lovers.

Model 2: FOLLOW YOUR BLISS SPONTANEOUSLY & LIVE WITH CONSEQUENCES

On the other hand in the debate we had at the conference, some polys
took the position that each person was autonomous and needn't consult
anyone–wife, lover or otherwise, nor need their perspectives consult
anyone before engaging in sex. If their prospective lovers' lovers
get uptight over it, too bad, that's life and maybe pain's what the
prospective's lovers need to grow–if they even have a candor
commitment. This sounds a bit like polyfuckery rather than ethical
polyamory the way Janet and I practice it.

We advocate ahimsa–harmlessness–candor, transparency. We believe in
truth, disclosure and kindness.

How do you practice poly? How do you manage communication with the
significant others of your prospective others? On this site and at
the World Polyamory Harbin Hot Springs (CA) Conference Oct 5-7, we
continue this debate in our panel discussion, How We Do Poly. Let us
know your perspective.

www.schooloftantra.net/worldp...nces/Ha
rbinHotSprings2007/2007_harbin_hot_springs_presentations.html