I think simple and straightforward usually works best. Ask and tell. Talk about needs, not just once, but as a running topic. If you can't intuit the answer, or even if you *think* you can, ask your partner whether his/hers are being met. If mine aren't being met, I try not to let the issue fester, and just speak up. Ideally communication in a relationship works comfortably enough that the first time you've got a need to discuss, that's not being met, it's not the first time you've even talked about "needs."

I guess that makes it sound too easy though. My own baggage seems to favor a "I really don't have any needs I can't meet myself" perspective, which is obviously messed up. For a partner, that tends to take all the fun out of need-meeting. And then there are the situations where one person says "I'm not feeling xyz, and this is what's missing that I really need in order to feel more fulfilled..." and the reply is "No you don't."

But whatever the case, tried and true, ask and tell.

Think there's a good balance between making sure your partner is able to meet their needs and you finding what you need to feel alive and joyful. Good relationships are able to do both and enrich everyone involved....but communication is the key.

My husband wanted to talk with me about his needs this morning and I totally put him off for work...the first time. He didn't let me ignore him for very long. Making sure that you are heard, even when it is not easy, is sooooo helpful in the long run.

We keep our relationship by the four agreements and use that to keep everything accountable and in check. When my feelings get hurt I go back and look at whether I'm taking something personally (usually) or whether there was a real reason to be sad or upset. Making the daily effort to keep those agreements with my husband takes some of the pressure off of the "needs" discussion....we honor each other and make it work, even when things are not what they seem to be.

Long marriages are not necessarily easier, especially as partners take on new interests and drift apart in various ways. Communication is always the key, no matter how long you've been together.

I agree SpiritFlame, good personal boundaries involve a nice balance of looking after one's own needs as well as the needs of others.

If you only look after your own needs, you are selfish.

If you only look after other people's needs, you are dependent.

Finding balance around needs is a *good* thing!

Thank you Colin for putting that so succinctly.

I agree. I think in my relationship, we got a little complacent. I never really learned to speak up for myself, and often did what I thought was necessary and without regard to what I personally needed from myself, and was so out of tune with that I didn't know really what I needed from others. The key here is communicating clearly. Identifying also where your relationship is lacking, and sharing with your partner and then the both of you working on meeting in that place where you both are honored and supported.

I actually presented the concept of the Four Agreements to my partner, and he was sort of dismissive of it. I was feeling hurt, because in the last few months, we kinda needed a new starting point for communicating with one another. We've been together so many years, and I often feel as though he'll dismiss something I am interested in out of hand.

We then went to our first session with the counselor in two months.. we started out in October, and after two visits she said she wanted to work with me alone for awhile. As he and I were leaving, we got to discussing the session, and I brought up the topic of needs. In part because last week I'd asked him what HE needed from ME. I want to make sure that I am considering him. In talking with my therapist last week, she'd said that in order to get what we want in a relationship, we have to give what we want. That bugged me at first.. because I felt as though all I ever did was give, and give, and got nothing in return. Then I thought about WHY I was so bothered by it. And most likely it's because I quit giving, truly giving, awhile ago. I'm defensive, and protective, and he is too. There is hurt in so many things. So anyway, I am rambling. As I was saying, I brought up the topic with him of needs. I told him that I felt he'd avoided the topic last week. He admitted that he hadn't felt ready to discuss it, and I told him that all he had to do was tell me he wanted some time to think about it, and I would have been fine, instead of feeling hurt and dismissed. Again. Here he should have said what he really meant, and I needed to not take it personally. If he had said what he wanted, I would have totally given him the space to sort it out.

So from that conversation came a more lengthy discussion and an exercise where we listed needs people might have in relationships in general. The key here was to stay positive and constructive, and for the moment not make it about us. This became a springboard for some more discussion, and as time goes on we will talk about specific things on that list that resonate with us at any given time. It's definitely helping to open up our communication more, and provide me more of a framework for describing how I feel and what I want.