Okay, the thing is you're about a month away from an absolute disaster. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you some sort of hope that this is going to turn out okay. By no means am I saying it's an absoloute given that this situation isn't going to work.

But there's a 99% chance that it won't.

My wife, if you litmus on what someone would do left to their own devices is not poly. I suppose you could say I'm not currently either in the respect that I do not have an active relationship with a third. However, I've *been* poly most of my life (quite a challenge while in the middle of a rural Kansas High School I might add). The experimentation and participation with other partners is generally initiated by me, at least the idea of it. I have been in several relationships where someone tried and failed to sacrifice their relationship ideals to be with me. Ultimately, it's a matter of compromise and a willingness to put someones comfort level ahead of your own sexual proclivities.

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like your partner is doing that. Now conversly you could decide to put your own ideas about being primarily monogamous aside and support this person in a poly lifestyle, though in your situation if someone had so little concern for my feelings they'd cruise sex-sites despite it upsetting me so much *I* stopped having sex with them I'd hit the door so fast the thing would splinter. But, as I mentioned, it obviously bothers you to the point you no longer function normally in a sexual relationship.

The hard truth is, this was over before it started. The two of you want different things, different levels of commitment in the same relationship. The hard truth is, your partner doesn't care if it makes you uncomfortable.

Lindsey and I are constantly on a precarious tight-wire in our marriage, having to balance what we want from our life experience to the level of which it interferes with our partners experience. That's the only reason it works, because how we feel about each other is more important than anything else.

Without that, while I'd love to give you hope, my prognosis isn't a good one.

I think you could make this work. But depends on a few things. If you are secure enough to allow your partner have a relationship on the side, that's half the battle. Now if he's just looking at sex ads, that could be a problem. However, if you both look at sites like polyamory.org, then you can form a basis for discussion. If you give him something that you are ill-prepared to really deal with, then, yeah, Angel has a point. You cannot force these things. Are you giving this freedom to him out of obligation or out of love? I think you are struggling with generosity, here. Based on my experience, you can give this freedom, but then you need to be prepared for much self-examination. If your partner says, "I adore you. " And also, "I am going to pursue this whether you like it or not," then, wow, talk about your mixed messages. It's unclear to me what permission and/or acceptance has been given for him to do this. You say your libido is kind of at low ebb. Is this residual from your illness or is something else going on? Honesty is always the best policy, even if you end up losing out. Is there anyone you can talk to? Some therapist? I hope you can sort through all your feelings. They sound rather complicated.

This kind of thing happens a lot in the early stages of polyamory so you are far from alone in what you're feeling.

"He is the love of my life, and I have limited his desires, but recently have said, go ahead, explore."

From what you said here, it sounds as though your partner has always wanted to explore but honored your wishes that he "limit his desires". Now, you are trying to allow him his desires since you are not as able to be as free-spirited about sex due to certain health issues affecting your libido. This is very understanding of you and I can see that you are trying to be considerate of his *needs*.

"I am having so many emotions. I am fine about exploring our sexuality in festival, or if something presents while we are away from one another, on vaca, or retreat, etc."

Have you both clearly communicated/negotiated the terms of opening up the relationship? It is important that the two of you negotiate and arrive at what works for BOTH of you if you consider your relationship a true partnership and want it to last.

"He is actively searching sex ads for fun, I must either accept this as part of the relationship, and learn how to manage my acceptance without resentment"

Sounds like once you said "okay, go explore" he took that to mean that the gates were wide open to do as he pleased. I think that *if* you both want this to work, you need to sit down and share your concerns, as well as communicate what will help you to feel 'safe' in the situation and work as a team to arrive at acceptance.

Sure, one must own one's jealousy but I don't see that happening so much as perhaps a lack of negotiation at the outset resulting in discomfort for you and a bit of insensitivity on his part. You can't read each other's minds. I'd have to say the one thing necessary for this to work for *both* of you is TONS of communication and checking in with each other frequently with regard to how things are progressing.

Have you read the book The Ethical Slut? I think it provides some fundamental tools for couples going through the growing pains of opening up their relationship.

One question though. Why are you withholding? Is it because you are feeling hurt emotionally? Are you concerned about safety? Is it related to your health issues? I ask because I think it's important to keep the intimacy alive and while that doesn't necessarily have to mean sex - withholding can seem like a punishment and possibly come across as a passively aggressive way of expressing your displeasure with the situation which, would only make matters worse.

I'm not saying this is what's happening - just asking for clarification.