Butterfly Sunset - third rough draft

(to all the loves I have yet to meet)

Come into my world, even only for a day
Starting very soon, you won't know what to say

We'll dance and talk and dance some more
we'll cuddle real close and open the door

You'll tell me some of your secrets so pure
I will tell you mine they are harder I am sure


But the bombshell that I drop
is not an easy hear
nor can it move effortlessly
instead it usually brings fear

I will love you for who you are
But can you love all of me?
Love me from a distance
Its easier you see

For two decades now I've struggled with opening up my heart
Every new love I feel begins to come apart
Bad news, sad news, scary reality
Thats what you get when hanging out with HIV

I'm positive, yes I am sure, and AIDS I carry well
Oh, If all the stories of friends deaths I should tell

But they are gone and I am here
and being close to me usually breeds others' fear.

I know that you may never love me
in the intimate physical sense
So I will not speak carefully
or waste time in pretense

I am AIDS and AIDS is me
and I have never had my own family
My mother and father love me and my family supports my path
But I am 41 and single you can do the math

I dream of a child of my own and know its safe to be
but who will choose to get that close and help me build a family

I am used to frustration,

the intimidation
of my information

a friendly explanation
thoughts of penetration

stagnation


Don't tell me ... I already know
you have your rights
but maybe you should go

Will I get hurt, yes I will again
Another friendship I won't pretend

I dream and dream and dream of love
I can't remember sex without a glove
I can't remember kissing without "the talk"
I can't just take a new date on a romantic walk

Sometime soon I will divulge my state
my positive nature I will relate
and like most she will be inspired by me
but not want to love me intimately

I don't need your sympathy, your very real fears
I've seen them all and caught my tears
I only cry now for true loves lost
and I can't be in love without the cost

"Haven't you ever for a day
just wished your diagnosis would go away?"

I do, I do, but whats the use
I can't unleash my love
it feels like a noose

Many of my fluids reak of poison I have felt for years
I cast my own lot in celibacy and cried asleep through tears

Now I venture out to meet
newfound friends
to make me complete
and I meet a woman so very fine
I venture over the imaginary line

I let myself fall so very hard
I am in love, I played my card
but she has a son and commitments to keep
Alone once again I begin to weep

She can't love me completely, to her its a risk
I won't try to convince her
but I need her kiss

If that is too much for her to do
I may have to move on through

I don't know how many more times I can love
I don't know how many dreams I am thinking of

I am AIDS and AIDS is death
you can't ignore the fear
I honor your journey
but will miss your kiss my dear

I am alive and healthy in spite
I am strong and empowered so I write

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired
I am not inspired by what has recently transpired

Alone again alone again
so sad but totally true
I will wake up again tomorrow and
think this whole thing through

Can't be afraid to love completely
Can't be afraid to love so deeply
AIDS is real and happend to me
A part of me has actually been set free

I have had to watch as so many died
I carried their spirits, for them I tried
To never give up, always push on
They can't turn back, their spirits are gone

I bring them along when I go out to dance
I carry their memory when I take a chance
And when I need to be bold and strong
Its their wills that carry me along

I must go on to realize my dreams
Fate has me still here to accomplish it seems
More than so many of them could do
They checked out after trying through and through

Death is never a pretty path
With AIDS still the same I do the math
Still folks dying year after year
An HIV positive brother just took his life out of fear

There is no cure yet, and until that day
I must keep myself here - I've got something to say

Its not a death sentence but it changes the way
I get up each morning and start my new days
I know that there is something much bigger than me
That I must accomplish and let myself be
A man with some vision, a story to share
Listen hard now and learn if you dare

I am not immune to pain
when I love someone it doesn't feel sane
I just want to kiss, to love, and to feel
that I am not venomous, dangerous and unreal

So whatever happens hold me tight
love me now and it will be alright
If you still are afraid to kiss me I understand
I will keep searching over the land

Someone to love me forever and a day
They will allow me to totally play
and risks calculated we may take together
Working through challenges of turbulent weather

I know that in my blood is my genes
with help a safe baby is a very real dream
One of my own a foil of me
I will hug them and realize they are setting me free

And I will out live the skeptic and the worrier too
Whose ignorance didn't allow them to
Hold me tight and love me for today
Cause thats all anybody has... each in our own way

I wouldn't trade it in I wouldn't change my path
I am a stronger man from the curse of this wrath
Its not a life sentence but ultimately new perspective
and the population's fears are their collective

I live in joy as the sun goes down
Knowing each day I loved and turned a smile from a frown
I am left with the vision of a butterfly
Whose short life is so blessed when they learn how to fly


by rainbow_spider

Author's Comments:
"I open a small portal into my world of being a Person Living with AIDS with some apprehension as I have been slammed and lectured when I shared a piece about this part of my life journey online before... If your ignorance makes you want to rant at me or tell me I deserve my fate than I invite you to first think how you would feel if a loved one told you this story before you post your words to me. I have been HIV+ for over 20 years... a long term survivor, I tell my story to raise awareness, compassion and understanding and to encourage folks to educate themselves and make healthy choices in new sexual situations... These words are offered not just from pain but from peace that has come from this journey that has composed my entire adult life (i am 41) I have other poems and published prose articles available to anyone... and I have a word document version of this available to anyone who feels inspired to share or pass on this piece... email me at rainbowspider222@yahoo.com "

or check me out here on tribe as Rainbow Spider